Public Enemy?

Finally, to overcome and prevent any emo problem related to this, I gathered all my courage and ask the-person-who-I-will-not-name-here. After a few exchange of mundane greetings, I asked directly if the-person-who-I-will-not-name-here is annoyed with me. I get a direct and frank reply - Yes. Sad and thrill attacked me together, at once. Sad for being disliked, happy for being right.

Why? Because of my personality, behaviour and temper. Nothing new, I have guessed it, but I respect this person and really wants to know more. The response is a clever one, nothing specific, just the elaboration of the above point. Clever, because if certain action of mine is being used as an example, maybe I will try to explain my motie behind which will lead to a neverending debate. But elaborating the points is, I think enough. Reason being, it is nothing new, most people that knows me know what I am. Weird temper, don't know when will explode, pathetic world view, a bit egomaniac, a bit self centered etc. It just reinforced this fact.

Further revelation confirm another little doubt, the person is not alone. Apparently a gang of people feel the same towards me...how pathetic I am. But why the change so sudden? At least last time was one speaking term. Reason is simple, the-person-who-I-will-not-name-here tolerance towards me has reach the peak. And perhaps there was some discussion with the gang, and since all of them felt the same, the discussion will go on and in turns reinforce their thinking. So, if some of them dislike me, but tolerate my presence last time, now may prefer not to have me around as well. The-person-who-I-will-not-name-here thinks wonder if the gang was influence by the-person-who-I-will-not-name-here talking, but hey, if they don't have any idea of it, no one will get influence. So, the conclusion is, they all do dislike me.

I do not blame the-person-who-I-will-not-name-here, I do not blame them. We are, only human. It will be fake to pretend, like wearing a mask, which I try to avoid doing, since some friend of mind loathed it. Why choose to have the person you dislike as companion when you can do better without him? Being what I am, being a person that has pin-pointed a few individuals among my relative as the center of hatred, I know exactly how they feel. Maybe not as intense as my explosive mind, but I understand the annoyance.

I felt relieve as the mystery is cleared, but my heart ache as if been hit by hammer. The temper part and certain characteristic of this person is almost my mirror image. But overall this person is far better than me, so I cherish and mind this person's opinion. I know it will be impossible to the thinking to change, now. It will need time and effort, and hopefully as time pass and we both getting more mature...we can be friends.

I certainly thankful for this person, and to K who openly tell me where my biggest flaw is. I thank you. Conversation with this two reminds me of Anita's class. It seems so long ago, when I vow before my parents to change, to control my temper. I seem to forgot the determination I once have to search for inner peace after reading the sutras. It is time to pull myself back~!

For the gang mentioned above, I hope there will be days when the invisible wall will be gone.

For the-person-who-I-will-not-name-here, I wish you well, and may we able to break the ice or wall or whatever standing between us.

For all my friends reading this, or frequented my blog, do tell me if I am wrong. I watch Japanese drama, and the only thing I learnt from it is, directness sometimes can solve a lot of problem. No worry, I am the kind that can take criticism towards my personality directly. My response may be a bit rage, but that is due to shame. I'm a rather 'closed' person, that why I can blog more than I can talk.

And I mean it.